I've had it, people. I can't take it another day. But I've decided that rather than complain, it's time for me to get off of my tush and do something about it. I am running for mayor.
I've threatened to do this for years, but recent events have pushed me over the edge. Disheartening as it is to point it out, things just keep getting worse and worse with each passing year. I say, enough with the bipartisanship - it is time for us to come together. There are topics that can join us together, and I believe I have one that is important enough to build my mayoral platform upon.
My fellow citizens, it is time we have an honest conversation about Christmas lights. As I drove home from a lovely evening at my friend's house late last night, I was troubled to see that Christmas lights were aglow everywhere. On November 8th - a full 47 days before Christmas. There are radio stations already playing Christmas music, stores showing Christmas ads on TV. Things have spiraled out of control, and it's time we did something to rein it in. We are a sick society, and, as the future mayor of Brown Deer, I'd like to help us find a better way.
If we can't get this Christmas situation righted, our future generations are screwed. And as I write that, it occurs to me - I think that would make a nice little yard sign. "If you don't vote for me, your children are screwed." I like it. Anyone interested in being my campaign manager?
But seriously, let's do it for the kids. If we don't, they'll never get it right. They'll be eating turkey for Halloween, setting off fireworks on Easter and eating jellybeans on Veterans Day. We've blurred the lines for them with all of this "two months of Christmas" nonsense. Let's do the right thing, before the world implodes.
If we can get this Christmas situation resolved in Brown Deer, I vow to only do one more thing as mayor: officially change our village name to The Brown Diggity. Thereafter, I will sell my house, move to Milwaukee, and start working on this passionate campaign there.
Barack Obama said it best: "Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek."
Let me know if you are willing to make some phone calls or stuff some envelopes. I can't do this alone.